2018 is almost here and this is the first time that I'm excited to live another year. just thinking about last year and the months coming up to 2017, my life changed pretty drastically. I was extremely depressed, suicidal, bad habits started to form and I started hooking up with random people as self-harm. and it was all over some guy who kinda broke my heart.
around late November I matched with this guy on tinder and I thought he was so cute and charming and we "hit it off" over the span of like a week we hung out on 3 occasions and hooked up on the 3rd (and last) day that we hung out. before this, i never dated, or managed to get someone to like me, so this was all so new and exciting for me. the last day that we hung out we had sex and we chilled afterward until 4 am and I was so happy. that night was honestly amazing.
then a week passes and I never hear from them. I message them to ask if they used me for sex and they made some bullshit excuse. over the course of 4 months I found out he did use me, he had a partner and they were together for a while. so my little heart was shattered. on January 11th (omg I will never forget this night) a friend put on an event for musicians and I was there taking polaroids for the guests. it was fun and I knew He and His Partner were going to be there and I wasn't excited.
so he gets on stage, I go sit down and I watch. An okay performance then they say, "this is for my girl XXX" and dedicates a song to them. so there I broke down inside. at that time and before this event I was just hoping they weren't serious but clearly they were. and pretty much from that point forward, my mental health went down the drain. the Instagram I had, was personal, and I rarely updated.
I started taking my 'art' seriously, just hoping id get his attention. of course, it didn't work but I ended up deleting all my old posts to 'refine' the look of my page with my photos (500+ posts spanning back to 2015) all to feed into the idea that he'll be impressed. I also did the same with my personal Tumblr. any time I posted something personal, I'll delete it. now when I look at my archive, its void of any personality.
when I look back on it I really regret it because every now n then id scroll down to see how I used to be. I enjoyed it bc it felt humanizing and I guess it helped me remember who I was. kinda wish Instagram had the archive feature at the time. now to keep this short, I started doing illustrations (i personally hate drawing) and I tried to start a zine for women of color who struggle with depression. I literally only did it to get their attention in hopes to impress them.
Now I don't remember much after January 11th till early June besides fake working on my zine and making emotionless drawings. I was struggling to find a job since August 2016 and I got a job on June 8th out of sheer luck and visiting millions of craigslist ads. right now, December 19th I look back and I can't believe that I don't remember a thing from that 6th month period. and that brings me to be able to look back at posts. all I have is shallow facebook posts and angsty tweets that are too vague for future me to understand.
I'm not gonna lie, getting a job and then working full time really did change things. that summer I got a camera and then i started doing photography and here I am now. I'm a definitely a different person now. not better but different. I still have my job and i hope to stay there as long as I can
when I started doing digital photography, I had a ton of supporters and friends supporting me. it felt good. I got a ton of compliments and I realized what my passion was. at that point, I don't care what he thought or if I still needed to impress him. I was happy doing something I loved.
now I consider myself successful. only because I don't self-harm anymore, nor do I have as many emotional breakdowns than I used to, but I've developed more insecurities, body image issues, I'm starting to hate parts of myself that I haven't cried about since I was in 6th grade. whenever I weigh myself, I get depressed and as i start crying while looking defeated in the mirror, I just shrug it off because 'it doesn't matter'. sometimes I can't even recognize myself. I don't talk about being depressed anymore, I don't express myself on Instagram or Tumblr anymore and I hate it. I really want my old self back. there hasn't been a night when I cry when I think about my appearance.
I've never really addressed my insecurities with myself because I don't find them valid enough. wild right?
I'm so fucking insecure about my looks because I equate beauty to respect and love. I can't get respect or love if I'm beautiful. id tell myself I would have a boyfriend if I was beautiful. id have more followers if I was beautiful. id get paid more if I was beautiful. I would get treated better if I was beautiful. every night I dream of being in love. I binge eat when I'm depressed and I suppress my feelings. every single say I judge myself. its like I'm mentally terrorizing myself. just like how I was in middle school and high school. convinced me in nothing, cant is loved, can't and won't be beautiful. I'm not stupid to think this way, my insecurities are my insecurities. the way I deal with them is harmful. just want to live without mentally destroying myself.
but to get on a lighter note, I am very very excited for 2018. I plan on keep doing photography, work more, and give myself more time. as vague as that sounds it makes sense for my situation.
but what have I learned this year? I know I'm kinda contradicting myself but I realized my worth, I can't let people walk all over me, I set my own rules, I should speak up when I don't want to do something, be more honest, don't agree to things I cant follow through on and to stay away from things that send me into a depressive episode.
I'm still growing, which I really hate to admit. I'm stuck in the past for sure, but I know if I keep my head up, and stay responsible, I can succeed even more. ✨